Poor men?...Yes, sometimes

I had an outdoor training in one of the Lonavala resorts for senior employees of a reputed firm. Generally Team Building sessions and Stress management sessions are done in most of the out bounds. As the employees are outside the office in much greener and peaceful environment, it allows them to calm down and do a bit of introspection and at end of the session most of them feel fresh enough to face the daily grind again.

Evenings are generally free for them to interact within the group or just be with themselves if they wish so, I was enjoying my cup of coffee after a Team Building session which most of the times very demanding physically and mentally, I saw Taraji (name changed) walking towards me. With her body language I thought she was ensuring nobody is following her and I knew she wanted to chat with me in private.

I smiled and made place for her on the small bench that I was seated on, under the huge Neem tree.

Taraji smiled back but eagerness to talk was evident and I knew the matter which she may discuss was very close to her heart.

Taraji who looked to be in the age group of 35-37 years had maintained herself well and looked much younger than her actual age.

This is what she narrated to me -

I am married to my college friend Sharad who is also working in a reputed firm in an IT section, we have two children currently studying in a good school and I am staying with my in-laws which is fine as they do take care of my children when we are away, and all outsiders feel we are a happy family, but the real trouble and pain is known only to me. I have always chosen to keep quiet but it really is unbearable sometimes and I feel I should just run away.

Sharad married me against his parent's wishes, they did not want me as a Bahu as I was more qualified than Sharad but Sharad somehow convinced them and we got married. Sharad is a very positive and understanding husband. But it really hurts me a lot when he just keeps mum even when his parents insult me for no fault of mine. I do not yell at them as I am afraid of fight and I know it will only worsen the situation, but Sharad does not understand that if he speaks to them they may understand and also forgive him. I have bottled up all my anger and irritation and that is seen sometimes in my behavior... so Sharad is a "good boy" and I am the "Bad girl" in their eyes. I feel let down and lonely. I have never tolerated any kind of blame on Sharad and fight with everyone to prove he is right but Sharad has never shown that love towards me, he just keeps quiet and asks me to forgive and forget. I think these 12 years of my married life is waste and I should run away.

And Taraji broke down, she could not control her tears and I allowed her to cry for some time. While patting gently on her back I was smiling as I saw " me" in Taraji's story when I was 20-25 years of age.

I told Taraji that her husband was caught in between being "good husband" and being a "good son" and does not know how to do the same. The very fact that he risked family disapproval to marry Taraji was enough evidence for her that he loves her immensely. But he also does not want to hurt his family so lets the comments pass by. Taraji's problem is not her husband is not standing by her but actually she has set a "Loyalty Contest" keeping her husband in the middle of her and his parents which surely is very painful for him or for that matter anybody.

Why is he made to choose between people he loves the most in his life? May be Taraji's in laws were doing it but doing it from other side is stretching the problem further, she just can drop the end of conflict from her side. It is necessary though that you let your husband know that their negative comments causes pain in your mind but you also need to mention that you are aware about his difficult position. Also keep showing respect to your in laws as they can’t be that bad-they have raised the man you married to!!

Once the Family is assured that you are not taking away their son, slowly they may release him and may change their behavior. But even if they don't, its best not to get the negativity come in-between you and your husband to have a good marriage life and loving experience.

Enough has been already said about problems woman faces when she enters the new house but it will help her if she understands that mother is the first woman a man comes in contact with. He worships his mother till he reaches adulthood, now suddenly the mother has to share her son with someone much younger, prettier. She wants to see her son happy and she knows his happiness is now connected with the young girl in his life but it is natural that she feels pangs of jealousy within.

Wife on the other hand is his new partner with whom he shares his dream with, he will raise his children with and he will grow old with, he must understand that his wife has left her parents, brothers, sisters, friends to be part of his life and will thus have high expectations from him.

The man thus has to ensure that both these women who are very important in his life are kept happy, satisfied. Most of the times it becomes impossible and he is forced to choose one leaving him torn for rest of his life.

So if either of the women show maturity it would be a great deal of relief for the Poor man... yeah...most of the times.